So a few things have changed since my last entry. I met someone new, F. and have been dating him for a few weeks now. Also from away, some similarities to M. but also very different than M. Some things I like way more, some things I wish he also had. I am not sure where I stand with him because when he is with me I feel like I don’t have to worry about it (except maybe for this morning) but when he is not with me he is not so good on answering texts which I know he has read. That makes me insecure. He also talked about an open relationship a couple of weeks ago and I am not really open to that. It makes me feel like I am not enough. We have not talked about it again. I need to find the right moment and also psych myself up for the potential outcome of said talk. We have good chemistry. He is always up for sex. He kisses the way I want to be kissed. Sex is good and my body is almost able to do what I want it to…soooo close but still needs a bit of tweaking. I have slowed down on the self-pleasure so that I had more potential to have that pleasure with him. He does nice things for me, tells me I am pretty, is funny and can take and dish out jokes. He is appreciative when I do things for him. He has a job that takes him away for days at a time. Part of me loves that because I can maintain my independance. If I was more sure of things then I would not be worried in the least. But seriously, text me back. Or take off your notifications and last seen time, ok F?? Are you with someone else and not able to text me back? I wish he had never said anything about an open relationship because I question every single thing. Everything. In my own head. I don’t want to live like that. I know I have to talk to him about it.
With M. he left. I did not have to try to figure things out in the same way. I know he slept with other people here. I saw condoms in his room. And we never talked about exclusivity. I knew he was leaving and he was freshly single and wanted some action. I was really only planning to enjoy the time with him because it made me feel like I could be loved and love again. Well, we are still close, and talking. I am trying to wean myself from him. This week I managed a whole week of not messaging him and was doing well then he broke the ice. The last two times were him texting me after a long absence.I don’t know what I mean to him. Is it even important to know? He does not live here. He is not coming back. I am not going there. I have dropped numerous hints without saying it clearly and he just does not bite. But for some reason he is not letting go either. FACK!
F. has some condoms in his room too but he calls me his girlfriend. I need a definition. We also use and thus need condoms so it’s logical that he would have some since I stay there sometimes too. I even have a toothbrush there. But I am still feeling unsure. If I was to go with my gut then I am NOT really his girlfriend, just his navigator, driver, cook and fwb. No different from M. in a way. I would like it to work.I can give up M. if things are going somewhere. He knows about M. and said he was just a fwb when I told him about it. It did start that way but somehow it’s still happening. I introduced him to my family. I don’t do that. He was the first since K., 14 years ago. But that is neither here nor there. He is gone, F is here and has not yet met the family and may or may not. I don’t know yet. If I am unsure, then no. As for right now, I am too unsure to think about it much so we’ll have to wait and see.