Still hanging on here. Still talking to M. most days, although it’s way less informative. On his end anyways. Three weeks ago I had a bit of a lightbulb moment, or something like that. I was in the car, listening to the radio, and they mentioned G., who was going to be on the show later that day. Thankfully I was busy and not able to listen to the show, as we all know I would have, so I could torture myself with his voice of caramel, all the while remembering how stupid I was for the entire time we had that imaginary thing. As it happened, that morning I sent a pic to M. He did not respond that day. Or the next. Or even the next. I had soooo many thoughts running through my head. How is this any different than G.? Am I depending too much on him? Why am I hanging on? How long will I waste my time? What is this doing for me, other than making me miserable? What am I getting out of this? Is M. the only one benefitting from my feelings? Why am I not good enough for someone to love for real?
I resisted the urge to text him for five days. I would have gone longer because it had started to hurt less. Then, on the fifth day, while I was at the movies, he texted me, saying he was so sorry! He thought he had responded to my text. Well, considering I texted him every day, it sure took him long enough to notice that I was not texting him. I think he thought I was mad. Nope. Just too much in my head, making comparisons with G. and everyone else who doesn’t want me. I only texted him back the next day. Not saying much. We did not talk about it. What is there to talk about anyway? I think he likes that I am clearly feeling strongly about him and and very obvious about it. He probably needs it in some way. Just like I need the little crumbs I am getting from him. But crumbs they are. He is a male. He doesn’t hate me. That is pretty much it from where I am sitting. He has not been initiating much lately and rarely sends pics. It’s really mostly me. We haven’t spoken since Friday. I am going to try to wean myself again, even though it makes me terribly sad. I just want someone to love.
I am on POF and nothing great there. The guys who write me are not at all my types and send things like hi. HI??? Make an effort. Pretend that you can have a conversation. I had one date so far but really not great. If only I could meet someone to date. Someone to distract me from M. Who probably lives with a woman. The skype has never happened. I don’t think he lives alone. And I don’t mean a roommate. Anyways, que sera, sera. I need a good cry. I wish I could just let it be.