Two months later and I am still talking with M. every day. Sometimes its one exchanged message, other times long conversations. He moved recently and is waiting for his internet to be hooked up, I am waiting for that so we can Skype. I don’t know if this is going to to just fizzle out at some point, if we are going to see each other again (I am game but I am unclear on his desire to do so) or if he is just humoring me because he knows that I care a lot about him. I don’t ask many questions about it because realistically he lives in another country, far away. He is human and has needs also. I am also human with needs but I have grown accustomed to taking matters into my own hands. Less hassle. Less heartbreak.
I have had a couple of meltdowns about this situation. I don’t want to play a fool here but I don’t want to not have him in my life. If I were not so chicken I would come out and ask him but seriously, why should I? Our situations at this time are such that he is not going anywhere from there nor am I. Also, I have learned to not ask questions when the answer could be the complete opposite of what I am hoping or expecting or prepared to hear. I would love for him to say, come see me. Or to find out he is coming back again. Or that he wants to go somewhere together on a trip. Am I dreaming in color? Who knows.
We have talked a lot since he left. The best talks were when I was in Cuba. He asked me when I fell in love with him. I don’t know if I am in love with him. What the hell does in love mean anyways? Have I ever really been in love? Probably once, when I met the guy I figured I’d marry. It’s very hard for me to let things just happen and express how I feel. Damn sometimes being an Aquarius sucks. I hope that my non-answers don’t hurt him. I told him that I don’t I have fallen quite yet. I am holding on for dear life so that I don’t because I am trying to be realistic. But it’s tough.
I am not really interested in looking for anyone here. But I have analyzed that fact intensively. I think that I am hanging on to this in part because if it does not go anywhere ever then I can blame it on the distance. I did the “exit survey” with him the week before he left, to see where I can improve…he thought I was nuts and that I don’t need to improve. He also said to me recently that I wanted it to end badly in a way so it would have been easier but it would not have been real. I know he has feelings for me but will I ever know what they are? Will I ever be able to pursue them in any real way? Time will tell. For now, things will remain in limbo, in cyberspace, and in my heart and mind. So much for my plan for a short-term, fun relationship that would end in April.