Is anything ever certain?

Two months later and I am still talking with M. every day. Sometimes its one exchanged message, other times long conversations. He moved recently and is waiting for his internet to be hooked up, I am waiting for that so we can Skype. I don’t know if this is going to to just fizzle out at some point, if we are going to see each other again (I am game but I am unclear on his desire to do so) or if he is just humoring me because he knows that I care a lot about him. I don’t ask many questions about it because realistically he lives in another country, far away. He is human and has needs also. I am also human with needs but I have grown accustomed to taking matters into my own hands. Less hassle. Less heartbreak.

I have had a couple of meltdowns about this situation. I don’t want to play a fool here but I don’t want to not have him in my life. If I were not so chicken I would come out and ask him but seriously, why should I? Our situations at this time are such that he is not going anywhere from there nor am I. Also, I have learned to not ask questions when the answer could be the complete opposite of what I am hoping or expecting or prepared to hear. I would love for him to say, come see me. Or to find out he is coming back again. Or that he wants to go somewhere together on a trip. Am I dreaming in color? Who knows.

We have talked a lot since he left. The best talks were when I was in Cuba. He asked me when I fell in love with him. I don’t know if I am in love with him. What the hell does in love mean anyways? Have I ever really been in love? Probably once, when I met the guy I figured I’d marry. It’s very hard for me to let things just happen and express how I feel. Damn sometimes being an Aquarius sucks. I hope that my non-answers don’t hurt him. I told him that I don’t I have fallen quite yet. I am holding on for dear life so that I don’t because I am trying to be realistic. But it’s tough.

I am not really interested in looking for anyone here. But I have analyzed that fact intensively. I think that I am hanging on to this in part because if it does not go anywhere ever then I can blame it on the distance. I did the “exit survey” with him the week before he left, to see where I can improve…he thought I was nuts and that I don’t need to improve. He also said to me recently that I wanted it to end badly in a way so it would have been easier but it would not have been real. I know he has feelings for me but will I ever know what they are? Will I ever be able to pursue them in any real way? Time will tell. For now, things will remain in limbo, in cyberspace, and in my heart and mind. So much for my plan for a short-term, fun relationship that would end in April.

Far, far away

Technology is quite a thing. M. left on the 11th. I got to spend extra time with him both the night before he left and the day he left, as his flight was cancelled and he ended up spending the day here. I miss him. We do talk every day though. I love that technology keeps us connected. It may make things more difficult though in the long run. Look how long NYC M. has been in my life. Not that there has been any interaction in months between us, but still. I am looking forward to a Skype or a Facetime soon. Hopefully within the week, because one week from today, I am leaving for Cuba. This winter AND spring have been brutal. Cold, snowy, neverending awful weather. I need heat. I need sun. I need to be away from work. So, logically I am going to Cuba. Alone. Why not?

I just had a big fight with my mother who was telling me about a show she and my dad watched, something like Dateline, where a woman, alone of course, was killed on a trip to the Bahamas. She hates that I am going alone. I really, really want to move to the Caribbean, what the hell will she do if I do move??? She thinks I’d move to M.’s country but really, that is not my plan. I want to learn to speak Spanish fluently. I know it would be a quick learn for me. I have basic knowledge and can read and understand that. I also can understand some if people speak slowly. But all my mother can think of is that I am her daughter and that something could happen to me. Well, something could happen to me anywhere! Any day! I am 42 years old, live alone for the past 12 years. She said that I have no kids, I can’t understand. I responded with, thanks for rubbing my face in that. There is nothing here for me. Except for my family. If I can escape before my brother and his wife have a baby, then it will happen. I am ready to make a plan for it to happen. You only live once. Why am I still here, I ask myself that question daily. Some people love living on this little island. Not me. I am not even that excited about my job anymore. The people are not that genuine and I feel like no one is transparent or has my back. I don’t like feeling like that. I want to have a life that is interesting and fulfilling. A life with love also, not only family love. I am ready for it. Being with M. has made me feel like I can do it again.

Intentions don’t do anything, actions do. Just heard this. So my intention to move to a different island must become an action.

The end

Wow. M. came to the movies with me and little G. He also came to Easter dinner at my parents’ place. I was surprised but its probably because of G. who always said yes then flaked out. I know that M. is not that guy. But he is definitely one of a kind. He was here last night, and every night this week for supper except for one, and we went out to supper tonight, his treat. I am going to miss him a lot. I never thought he would fall madly in love with me, and I did not fall madly in love with him but it sure was nice to have a relationship that didn’t end badly. We were starting to get close but here we are at the end. Sigh. I had a pretty tough week. On Monday night he made a comment about home was calling him back and I broke down. He felt really bad and was apologizing but I told him that I got involved with him fully aware that he was leaving soon. I am a grown woman. I have been disappointed soooo many times. This is a little different because my expectations were not for long term. It doesn’t mean that I am not sad, because I am very sad. But I know that we will keep in touch. He is a wise, old soul and I appreciate the talks we had. It was good for me to not have to prove anything to him. It gives me hope that I can manage to have a relationship that can work.

He wants to take another course, so he may come back sometime for a few more months. What will my life or his be like by then? Who knows. I don’t even know if he’ll be able to come back. Time will tell. For now, I am going to continue to work on my weight. So far down 35 lbs…pretty good I have to say. I would never have met him if he had been here in the fall, when he was initially supposed to come. I told him so and I told him I was grateful for meeting him. He told me tonight he has feelings for me too but we are both realistic and I am sure he was not dating only me here, even though that hurts my feelings. I am not moving there, nor is he going to move here. He has opened a door for me to explore living in the Caribbean though. Step one is a solo vacation in May. And we shall see what step 2 is. And how our friendship lasts.

The end is near

M. is still here but the end is near. He is leaving in just over a week. In 11 days to be exact. Flight at 6 am. I was going to take him to the airport but we’d have to leave at 4 am. He is going to go with the group. It’s just starting to hit me now that he is soon going to be gone home. I am going to have to be strong when I see him this week. Tomorrow night we have plans and we will see each other on the weekend also. I also think I will see him the night before he leaves. I would love to see him more than that but that would make things harder. And he has friends and homework and studying. And I have G. who requested a sleepover Friday night. And Easter dinner Sunday. I invited him but he likely won’t come.

He is like me. Nerdy, Googles everything, loves sex. We have great chemistry. He makes me smile and laugh. He loves his kids. He asks me deep questions. He is sexy as hell, with the nicest ass I have ever seen naked. He is turned on by me. If he had come to town when he was supposed to, in the fall, we never would have met. Thank you Universe. I only wish it was not time for him to go already. I hope we stay in touch.

Up until yesterday, I had been waiting and waiting for my period to finally arrive. There was a possibility that M.’s super sperm had hit its target. Part of me was kind of hoping that it had hit its target. I was ready to face that consequence. We would have made a beautiful baby with green eyes and caramel skin. But I did not get to 42 years old with no children because I am fertile. Quite the opposite probably, since the times that the sperm was on the loose were during the supposed most fertile time of the cycle. Sigh. It’s not in my cards I guess. I have to let it go. Just like I have to let M. go. I knew it was for a short time when it started. And really it’s ok but I didn’t think it would be this hard when he left. And he’s still here for goodness sakes! I am going to be a mess next week.

Jealousy, insecurity, lack of confidence

It’s a bit of all of the above. The other night M. was over, yes it’s still going on but no the way I expected, and he asked me a question that I didn’t have a good answer for. He asked me what I want in a man. I gave the canned answer, honesty, someone to make me laugh and to laugh with, and a couple of other platitudes. I have been thinking about it since then though. A lot. And today I think I found the key. I want someone to make me FEEL. Really feel. I go through life not letting anyone too close to me so I don’t get hurt as often or as deeply as I used to. That has not allowed me to feel much in the last years. As an Aquarius, I am noted as the cool, aloof type to begin with even though I am very sensitive on the inside. But if you asked me when the last time I truly let someone in, I would not be able to answer it. Maybe it was way back with the original M. Or not. Have I ever? I don’t with friends either. Or family for that matter. Maybe I am a cold, unfeeling bitch. I know that every time I try to let someone in it backfires. T. back stabbed me and ruined 3 additional friendships and she never had time for me anyway, some BFF. D. was getting too close and trying to be a BFF when I didn’t want that so I pushed that away. Not to mention that she “came out”, then started seriously dating a guy. WTF??? That really pissed me off and still is pissing me off. I have been single just shy of 13 years. WTF???

Friendship has to be on my terms so I can control it, so it seems. Am I the same in a relationship? Maybe that is the problem. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I want to be sure. But who is ever sure? Can we ever be sure? That is why I don’t have kids, I was never sure. With good reason, looking back, but never sure. I want to feel SURE. I saw something on Facebook about that and the last line was “Someone who choses me everyday and never thinks twice about it.” I want that. I can give that but no one has wanted it.

As for M., he will be leaving soon enough. He is not overly interested anyways. I like him, he makes me laugh and I feel like he is finally letting me get to know him a bit. But he is busy. With school. With the boys. With some woman who cooks dinner for him/the boys. Is that all she does? I have no right to be jealous, this is just a fling anyway but still I am very jealous. I think he noticed today. I took him to pick up something, as he has no car. He told me that he was cooking at her house and going through her cupboards…yada yada yada. I got very quiet after that. I have invited him to eat here, declined. The only thing any man wants from me seems to be sexual. The musician Skyped me today, for that. Although we talk about anything also. I wish he lived closer. Even if he did, would that change? Likely not. I don’t know the answers. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to just be. I don’t want to need anyone because that will set me up to be hurt. I don’t want him to know how I feel jealous because what difference would it make? He is leaving and I knew that from the get go. He is here to have fun while in school. I don’t want him to know how I feel because then I lose the upper hand, which let’s be honest I never have anyway, look at G. I don’t want to appear weak or needy in the least. I wish I had a guy friend to ask about appearing weak or needy, or showing my vulnerability, or booty call vs interest. I need some enlightenment on the subject. Before I decide to completely give up on ever finding anyone. How can I be 42 and single??? It was not supposed to be like this.

Sigh

And once again, there seems to be a problem with me. I would love to know why I can’t be in a relationship. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought things we going to be having some fun for a couple of months but alas, something has happened, or not happened I guess. Am I so unlovable? Maybe just out of practice? The chemistry we have via texts is amazing. In person, it seems flat. I really can’t understand why I can’t even have a no-strings attached relationship. I feel like it’s me. What is wrong with me? I am a fairly happy person. I have lost 25 lbs and counting. I try to always be positive. I am kind. I offer my help. I am pretty. I am tired of this. Why not me? WHY NOT ME? There are so many people I know who spend barely a year single after being married or otherwise taken then poof, they are in a solid, healthy relationship once again. I just don’t get it.

No need to panic

Since my last post, my new friend and I cleared things up. We spent some time getting to know each other and we will continue to do so until he leaves to go back home. My hope is that I feel more confident and comfortable with a man again. I have not had the opportunity for a long time to have this in my life. Much sex is to be had, laughs and fun too. Looking forward to it.

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