Maybe it’s time

I said it out loud yesterday. Twice. I think I may break up with F. Since Boxing Day, when he left early in the morning, I sent him a Happy New Year text with no response. Two days later I sent a winky blowing a kiss. To which he responded the next day with “Ty”.  That’s all he wrote. WTF? On Christmas morning, I think he wanted to tell me it should be over. I am not sure and it was just two not so great days at Christmas. But the lack of communication is not working for me. Come on buddy, “Ty”??? I will not be sending any more texts. I am not sure if I will respond to any he sends. What is the point? He obviously is not on the same page as I am in any way. He could be ghosting me now for all I know.

In my heart, it’s M. Who had a birthday yesterday. I still don’t know how he feels. We video-chatted on Boxing Day. First time. But do I know how he feels about me, even now? Nope. Am I willing to wait to find out? Yup.

So, maybe it’s time.

Today’s Horoscope…

This site is pretty accurate for me a lot of the time. Today is one of the most accurate times I’d say.

“The world you live in is the creation of your unconscious. All your problems, challenges and characters in your life have been put there by you. And you alone have the power to rewrite your life and set a new stage. Mercury is guiding you towards making a meaningful and profound discovery about yourself that will lead to a major rewriting of the scene you are living through right now. This new script will have a positive twist that will lead to something quite wondrous.

Daily Thought
CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
If you feel good, life is good. Swimming in negative emotions causes us to sink. With positive emotions, we float like a cork. It’s a state of mind. The Universe is forever testing your resilience and ability to manage pressures. You can conquer any challenge, beat any problem and defy the odds.

You can whatever it is that testing you. Just think for a moment about how luck you are and how much worse everything could be. Think too about the degree to which so many people have it worse than you. You’re lucky. It’s good to remind yourself of that. And express your gratitude about all that is good in your life.

You have a choice to be miserable or to be happy. Focussing on your problems will cause you to sink like lead. Thinking about all that is good will transform lead into gold. So, choose to be happy. You are a winner. The best is yet to come in 2016!”

 

2015 in review

Buzzfeed posted these questions and I thought I would answer them for the past year, which was a very good year up until the last two weeks. Here goes:

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of? I have stuck with Weight Watchers for the entire year (and a little more) making this the very first year of my life that I have kept my New Year’s Resolution.

2. Who did you meet this year that inspired you? M.

3. What did you read that you think bettered you? I didn’t read much this year.

4. What are songs that you will always hear and think of this year even when you’re listening on some contraption that hasn’t even been invented yet? No Way No by Magic, Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeren, Sugar by Maroon 6, Hello by Adele

5. What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe? When F. and I went hat shopping at Lids, and when he said LMAO Laughing my ass OUT, watching the movie Sisters last night, and numerous times while playing Cards Against Humanity with the WNH.

6. What were your favorite movies? Not what was good, not what you had to see because of your friends or the media. What were your favorites?

7. What are some fears that you had at the beginning of the year that you overcame? Not being able to stick with WW, not finding a man to be with who finds me beautiful and desirable.

8. What were quotes that you loved this year? None in particular

9. What are ways that you exercised self care? Excellent question

10. What are things you want to see more of next year? M.

11. What are five things you did that you never thought you’d actually do? Some bedroom shenanigans with M., going on a trip solo,

12. What were your favorite things this year? Candles from B&BW

13. What are the most important things you learned this year? That I am still desirable to some, that I am too hard on myself

14. What is your favorite photo from this year? All my before and after pics

15. What are five things you want to say to people you love? To my parents: why can’t you accept that I am NOT like you and never going to be what you want me to be or do what you want me to do. To M. that I love him.

16. What are some places where you feel true joy in your life? At the beach

17. Where do you feel most yourself? At the beach. With the kids.

18. What were your favorite meals? Taco salad, macaroni and cheese, fish tacos

19. How did you calm yourself in times of stress? Coloring

20. What are some compliments that you received that deeply affected you? M. told me that I was cuddly, I liked that, a lot.

21. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you? A., J., M.

22. What items of clothing did you buy that felt the most you? Nothing in particular

23. What are you excited about leaving behind in 2015? I’d love to leave ambiguity but that is a constant in my life

24. What are five things that you were hard on yourself about but would never have been hard on a friend if they were experiencing it? Not sure

25. What are the best pieces of advice you heard this year? Just do it.

26. What are the best pieces of advice you gave this year? Just stay in the moment.

27. What things have you been putting off doing because you didn’t have time? Exercise

28. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year? Continuing my weight loss and toning up my body before it becomes saggy.

29. What are the best parts of you that you feel really showed through this year? My openness to new people, things and experiences, and my being able to be a good friend

30. What are your biggest hopes for 2016? That my love life settles into something more settled.

I can’t even believe this

This week I had lunch with my brother and I mentioned F. to him, since Christmas is fast approaching and I may bring him to Christmas dinner, or so I thought. My brother told his wife, who told his daughter, who gave me 20 questions. I also was forced to tell my mother, who told my father.  My other brother’s wife knew and likely told him but I gave her permission to do so.

Anyways, I was just talking to my mother and she informed me that he is not welcome there for Christmas. It’s too special of a day to have someone they have not met, who they have been kept in the dark about since the summer, to come to dinner with them. WHAT? So I didn’t tell everyone. It’s not really their business. And who knew how long it would last? Not me for sure. And on top of that, bringing M. at Easter was really awkward for everyone. WHAT??? She said, I know you are very hurt, if you don’t want to come…(unfinished sentence). WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??? I asked if it was because they had not met him or if it was because he is black. The answer was not clear. So we know the answer.

What the hell am I supposed to say if F. is home??? I doubt it but with my luck he will be. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I am sorry that they are not open-minded like I am. I could not care less about skin color. It’s just freaking a color, peach, brown, black, whatever. If I am happy, is that not important? Apparently not if it does not fit into their definition of it. Wow. Just wow.

Anxiety Attack

Things are still in flux with F. Not to mention with M. also. This week F. has been away. I haven’ t seen him in a week and a half and he is the worst texter ever. Dude, just answer when I text you!!! M always does. Always. I know that the job keeps him on the road but I really am not a big texter either. I would just like to feel a little bit connected while he is away. When he is here, it’s great. So I don’t know if this is going to work longterm. Do I want it to? Is he just convenient?

On Wednesday morning, M. broke the 8 days of me not texting him. I have been not texting him because it is not fair to anyone. Not me, not F. and certainly not M. But M., what is keeping him in the picture? I have very strong feelings for him. But he lives in another country. I don’t know that I will ever see him again, even though my Magic 8 Ball app says I will lol. A couple of weeks ago there was a hurricane pretty close to where M. lives. I was a basket case. We talked while he still had some juice in phone. It makes a difference when you know someone near such a potentially catastrophic situation. I know he knows how much I care about him.

I hadn’t texted him since Thanksgiving, when I sent him a sappy text. And Wednesday morning, as I was driving to work, thinking about him, he texted me. He had dreamed of me the night before. He woke up wanting to fly up here to be with me. Maybe only for a booty call, I don’t know. We talked for a while, I sent him a pic of us, which I had not done before. Then I sent him a pic of me now, because my face is much smaller. He thinks I look great. I told him I’d send him a full-length pic soon to show my progress. Then before bed, I texted him the usual heart lips heart that I had not been sending lately. He texted back about a half hour later with “love you too”. WHAT??!!?!?! I would have fallen down if I had not been in bed. But I don’t know if that was meant for me. I have mistakenly sent texts to the wrong person before. It could have happened to M. I was freaking out. I did not open the text until the next day, after lunch. I sp oke to V. about it over lunch. I was feeling anxiety, which I never really had before. Shaky, tight chest, adrenaline coursing through my veins. Was it meant for me? I still don’t know. I am such a wimp. I am so much of a wimp that I did not even address it. I just sent him a full length pic as promised and he really liked it. We have been talking since.

I just wish that I could be sure of something. Both J. and V. think that he meant to send that text to me. I would like to know for sure. Why can’t I think that he does? Isn’t that what I want? Or is it? Is it possible? Will I even ever see him again???

It’s been a while

So a few things have changed since my last entry. I met someone new, F. and have been dating him for a few weeks now. Also from away, some similarities to M. but also very different than M. Some things I like way more, some things I wish he also had. I am not sure where I stand with him because when he is with me I feel like I don’t have to worry about it (except maybe for this morning) but when he is not with me he is not so good on answering texts which I know he has read. That makes me insecure. He also talked about an open relationship a couple of weeks ago and I am not really open to that. It makes me feel like I am not enough. We have not talked about it again. I need to find the right moment and also psych myself up for the potential outcome of said talk. We have good chemistry. He is always up for sex. He kisses the way I want to be kissed. Sex is good and my body is almost able to do what I want it to…soooo close but still needs a bit of tweaking. I have slowed down on the self-pleasure so that I had more potential to have that pleasure with him. He does nice things for me, tells me I am pretty, is funny and can take and dish out jokes. He is appreciative when I do things for him. He has a job that takes him away for days at a time. Part of me loves that because I can maintain my independance. If I was more sure of things then I would not be worried in the least. But seriously, text me back. Or take off your notifications and last seen time, ok F?? Are you with someone else and not able to text me back? I wish he had never said anything about an open relationship because I question every single thing. Everything. In my own head. I don’t want to live like that. I know I have to talk to him about it.

With M. he left. I did not have to try to figure things out in the same way. I know he slept with other people here. I saw condoms in his room. And we never talked about exclusivity. I knew he was leaving and he was freshly single and wanted some action. I was really only planning to enjoy the time with him because it made me feel like I could be loved and love again. Well, we are still close, and talking. I am trying to wean myself from him. This week I managed a whole week of not messaging him and was doing well then he broke the ice. The last two times were him texting me after a long absence.I don’t know what I mean to him. Is it even important to know? He does not live here. He is not coming back. I am not going there. I have dropped numerous hints without saying it clearly and he just does not bite. But for some reason he is not letting go either. FACK!

F. has some condoms in his room too but he calls me his girlfriend. I need a definition. We also use and thus need condoms so it’s logical that he would have some since I stay there sometimes too. I even have a toothbrush there. But I am still feeling unsure. If I was to go with my gut then I am NOT really his girlfriend, just his navigator, driver, cook and fwb. No different from M. in a way. I would like it to work.I can give up M. if things are going somewhere. He knows about M. and said he was just a fwb when I told him about it. It did start that way but somehow it’s still happening. I introduced him to my family. I don’t do that. He was the first since K., 14 years ago. But that is neither here nor there. He is gone, F is here and has not yet met the family and may or may not.  I don’t know yet. If I am unsure, then no. As for right now, I am too unsure to think about it much so we’ll have to wait and see.

Hanging on

Still hanging on here. Still talking to M. most days, although it’s way less informative. On his end anyways. Three weeks ago  I had a bit of a lightbulb moment, or something like that. I was in the car, listening to the radio, and they mentioned G., who was going to be on the show later that day. Thankfully I was busy and not able to listen to the show, as we all know I would have, so I could torture myself with his voice of caramel, all the while remembering how stupid I was for the entire time we had that imaginary thing. As it happened, that morning I sent a pic to M. He did not respond that day. Or the next. Or even the next. I had soooo many thoughts running through my head. How is this any different than G.? Am I depending too much on him? Why am I hanging on? How long will I waste my time? What is this doing for me, other than making me miserable? What am I getting out of this? Is M. the only one benefitting from my feelings? Why am I not good enough for someone to love for real?

I resisted the urge to text him for five days. I would have gone longer because it had started to hurt less. Then, on the fifth day, while I was at the movies, he texted me, saying he was so sorry! He thought he had responded to my text. Well, considering I texted him every day, it sure took him long enough to notice that I was not texting him. I think he thought I was mad.  Nope. Just too much in my head, making comparisons with G. and everyone else who doesn’t want me. I only texted him back the next day. Not saying much. We did not talk about it. What is there to talk about anyway? I think he likes that I am clearly feeling strongly about him and and very obvious about it. He probably needs it in some way. Just like I need the little crumbs I am getting from him. But crumbs they are. He is a male. He doesn’t hate me. That is pretty much it from where I am sitting. He has not been initiating much lately and rarely sends pics. It’s really mostly me. We haven’t spoken since Friday. I am going to try to wean myself again, even though it makes me terribly sad. I just want someone to love.

I am on POF and nothing great there. The guys who write me are not at all my types and send things like hi. HI??? Make an effort. Pretend that you can have a conversation. I had one date so far but really not great. If only I could meet someone to date. Someone to distract me from M. Who probably lives with a woman. The skype has never happened. I don’t think he lives alone. And I don’t mean a roommate. Anyways, que sera, sera. I need a good cry.  I wish I could just let it be.

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