The end is near

M. is still here but the end is near. He is leaving in just over a week. In 11 days to be exact. Flight at 6 am. I was going to take him to the airport but we’d have to leave at 4 am. He is going to go with the group. It’s just starting to hit me now that he is soon going to be gone home. I am going to have to be strong when I see him this week. Tomorrow night we have plans and we will see each other on the weekend also. I also think I will see him the night before he leaves. I would love to see him more than that but that would make things harder. And he has friends and homework and studying. And I have G. who requested a sleepover Friday night. And Easter dinner Sunday. I invited him but he likely won’t come.

He is like me. Nerdy, Googles everything, loves sex. We have great chemistry. He makes me smile and laugh. He loves his kids. He asks me deep questions. He is sexy as hell, with the nicest ass I have ever seen naked. He is turned on by me. If he had come to town when he was supposed to, in the fall, we never would have met. Thank you Universe. I only wish it was not time for him to go already. I hope we stay in touch.

Up until yesterday, I had been waiting and waiting for my period to finally arrive. There was a possibility that M.’s super sperm had hit its target. Part of me was kind of hoping that it had hit its target. I was ready to face that consequence. We would have made a beautiful baby with green eyes and caramel skin. But I did not get to 42 years old with no children because I am fertile. Quite the opposite probably, since the times that the sperm was on the loose were during the supposed most fertile time of the cycle. Sigh. It’s not in my cards I guess. I have to let it go. Just like I have to let M. go. I knew it was for a short time when it started. And really it’s ok but I didn’t think it would be this hard when he left. And he’s still here for goodness sakes! I am going to be a mess next week.

Jealousy, insecurity, lack of confidence

It’s a bit of all of the above. The other night M. was over, yes it’s still going on but no the way I expected, and he asked me a question that I didn’t have a good answer for. He asked me what I want in a man. I gave the canned answer, honesty, someone to make me laugh and to laugh with, and a couple of other platitudes. I have been thinking about it since then though. A lot. And today I think I found the key. I want someone to make me FEEL. Really feel. I go through life not letting anyone too close to me so I don’t get hurt as often or as deeply as I used to. That has not allowed me to feel much in the last years. As an Aquarius, I am noted as the cool, aloof type to begin with even though I am very sensitive on the inside. But if you asked me when the last time I truly let someone in, I would not be able to answer it. Maybe it was way back with the original M. Or not. Have I ever? I don’t with friends either. Or family for that matter. Maybe I am a cold, unfeeling bitch. I know that every time I try to let someone in it backfires. T. back stabbed me and ruined 3 additional friendships and she never had time for me anyway, some BFF. D. was getting too close and trying to be a BFF when I didn’t want that so I pushed that away. Not to mention that she “came out”, then started seriously dating a guy. WTF??? That really pissed me off and still is pissing me off. I have been single just shy of 13 years. WTF???

Friendship has to be on my terms so I can control it, so it seems. Am I the same in a relationship? Maybe that is the problem. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I want to be sure. But who is ever sure? Can we ever be sure? That is why I don’t have kids, I was never sure. With good reason, looking back, but never sure. I want to feel SURE. I saw something on Facebook about that and the last line was “Someone who choses me everyday and never thinks twice about it.” I want that. I can give that but no one has wanted it.

As for M., he will be leaving soon enough. He is not overly interested anyways. I like him, he makes me laugh and I feel like he is finally letting me get to know him a bit. But he is busy. With school. With the boys. With some woman who cooks dinner for him/the boys. Is that all she does? I have no right to be jealous, this is just a fling anyway but still I am very jealous. I think he noticed today. I took him to pick up something, as he has no car. He told me that he was cooking at her house and going through her cupboards…yada yada yada. I got very quiet after that. I have invited him to eat here, declined. The only thing any man wants from me seems to be sexual. The musician Skyped me today, for that. Although we talk about anything also. I wish he lived closer. Even if he did, would that change? Likely not. I don’t know the answers. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to just be. I don’t want to need anyone because that will set me up to be hurt. I don’t want him to know how I feel jealous because what difference would it make? He is leaving and I knew that from the get go. He is here to have fun while in school. I don’t want him to know how I feel because then I lose the upper hand, which let’s be honest I never have anyway, look at G. I don’t want to appear weak or needy in the least. I wish I had a guy friend to ask about appearing weak or needy, or showing my vulnerability, or booty call vs interest. I need some enlightenment on the subject. Before I decide to completely give up on ever finding anyone. How can I be 42 and single??? It was not supposed to be like this.

Sigh

And once again, there seems to be a problem with me. I would love to know why I can’t be in a relationship. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought things we going to be having some fun for a couple of months but alas, something has happened, or not happened I guess. Am I so unlovable? Maybe just out of practice? The chemistry we have via texts is amazing. In person, it seems flat. I really can’t understand why I can’t even have a no-strings attached relationship. I feel like it’s me. What is wrong with me? I am a fairly happy person. I have lost 25 lbs and counting. I try to always be positive. I am kind. I offer my help. I am pretty. I am tired of this. Why not me? WHY NOT ME? There are so many people I know who spend barely a year single after being married or otherwise taken then poof, they are in a solid, healthy relationship once again. I just don’t get it.

No need to panic

Since my last post, my new friend and I cleared things up. We spent some time getting to know each other and we will continue to do so until he leaves to go back home. My hope is that I feel more confident and comfortable with a man again. I have not had the opportunity for a long time to have this in my life. Much sex is to be had, laughs and fun too. Looking forward to it.

It’s been a while

Well…I have taken a few months off of posting. Since my last post I have spoken to M a couple of times but that is futile. I also spoke to the musician and that was fruitful but non-committal as expected and understood. No real crushes, except one handsome, white-haired man at work who is most likely happily married. I decided to really put some effort into online dating though. I joined WW and have so far lost 21 lbs. Feeling good, confident and ready to try again. So I joined, and paid, for two sites. One site keep sending me matches that are too far. The other site doesn’t seem to be very efficient, although it’s by far the most popular. The old, free fall-back POF is the only one where there is ever local or even local-ish interest. But that’s where it ends. Until this week. I had seen this guy on two sites. I sent him a wink on one site with no reponse. Then he messaged me on POF, where I have no picture. We struck up a conversation on Wednesday night. We had a date on Thursday night, in a storm. I thought it was good. The amazing texting chemistry has completely fizzled out though. Last night we somehow got on the topic of weight and now I am completely feeling horrible. He texted me today, called me a different name, apparently thought that was my name. I took him to the store…he is a student here from away with no car and lives close to me. I felt super awkward the entire time. I don’t know how I have been able to completely lose my ability to flirt and feel sexy and pretty. I just want to be with someone who I feel comfortable with. Who I don’t have to question every sentence I say before I say it with. Who OBVIOUSLY likes me. No question about it. Will I ever find it? Why haven’t I found it in nearly 13 years? Yes, folks, nearly THIRTEEN YEARS. I cannot quite believe it myself. In that entire time, the longest relationships that were not long-distance or intermittent lasted no longer than a month or so. Is there really something wrong with me??? For the love of God, I am not that bad a person. I am funny, cute, smart, independent and I enjoy sex, alot. So why not me? WHY NOT ME???

And G. makes a reappearance…kind of

I have known for some time that my friend J. is fb friends with G. (good incentive to never creep anyone’s friend list even when you are good friends). I have successfully avoided him since his birthday last year in November. Today I found out how she knows him. Apparently he is the boyfriend of one of her good friends. The other day she found out about our former connection from D. and was all flustered about inviting me to her Halloween party because he is going to be there. I reassured her that it’s fine, I would not stay in town for a Halloween party so no worries. But thanks for asking because if I had gone and he had showed up, I would have left. Right away. Especially if he was there with his girlfriend. Dear God. I am over him thankfully but I admit that it hurts to know he has a girlfriend who is known to be his girlfriend, not his secret office-romance, could never have been more than that, dalliance, boyfriend I made up in my head, friend who can be used because he is soooo good at lying and making things up to get what he wants. It really makes me mad that he still holds some power over me, and that I can’t choose to go to a fun party (because it would be totally fun) because I don’t want to run into him, especially with another girl. On the other hand, FUCK him!

It also hurts that at the moment, I don’t have so much as a crush on anyone. And I am certain that no one has one on me either. When all my time is spent at work in my office or at home on my couch, how could anything else be true? There doesn’t seem to be much of a pool of men to pick from in my workplace, there are wedding rings on every finger, potentially interesting or not. And I don’t go anywhere else where there would be potentially eligible men. It discourages me. And even the online scene right now is discouraging. On Tinder I get unmatched when there is a match, on POF my pic has ended the conversation a couple of times lately but there you mostly find guys looking for FWB, which I don’t really want. Maybe becoming an old cat lady spinster is truly what my future holds. I sure hope not. I have been listening to several weeks of nightly seminars on various topics related to dating. I have some ideas as to what to change but I want to have a good product to promote. Since my late August injury, I have become even less in shape (was this even possible??? the answer is YES). This must become my priority, along with shedding some of the self-pity weight. The pics from my brother’s wedding are beautiful, except for the one or two I am in. That really, really makes me sad. Am I at the point to do something about it? I believe that I am. If I did not have enough incentive before, I think that this morning’s events should be the icing on the cake for that one. It would be soooo much easier if I had someone to do it with, it’s very difficult for me to motivate myself but I know that I can do it!

sad

Feeling pretty sad. Too many days of grey and rain in a row mixed in with the upcoming nuptials and the sad state of my love and overall life. I reached out to S. because I will be in her town this weekend. She is busy and, I guess, she has a man. Another one bites the dust.

Still nothing from M. I have not even seen him logged into Skype once in the past 3 weeks. Bye, I guess.

Got hit on by a scammer from the M. site.

Logged back in to local free site and lo and behold got an email from big B. who I have ignored for several years since he fooled me not once, but twice, into thinking he was into me. So I did not answer. Why bother.

I did get some other emails. Two kind of interesting ones. But really, it appears that they only want to hook up. I’d rather not.

Also, the Lost Sock appears to have a girlfriend. I stopped following his posts on FB.

And last but not least, I was behind Y. in line for 30 mins for a show the other night, where he was standing with his new girlfriend. It looked super awkward. I avoided making eye contact all evening. Every time he looked anywhere near my way, I looked away. I felt horrible. It feels like everyone else has someone except for me. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I would like to fast forward past the wedding at least. That day is going to be brutal for me. I have no idea how I am going to get through it without crying. I know it’s normal to cry at a wedding but not the ugly cry, which is what I feel like every single time I think of the wedding. Sigh. Why can’t I change whatever it is that I need to change?

Previous Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.