Things are still in flux with F. Not to mention with M. also. This week F. has been away. I haven’ t seen him in a week and a half and he is the worst texter ever. Dude, just answer when I text you!!! M always does. Always. I know that the job keeps him on the road but I really am not a big texter either. I would just like to feel a little bit connected while he is away. When he is here, it’s great. So I don’t know if this is going to work longterm. Do I want it to? Is he just convenient?
On Wednesday morning, M. broke the 8 days of me not texting him. I have been not texting him because it is not fair to anyone. Not me, not F. and certainly not M. But M., what is keeping him in the picture? I have very strong feelings for him. But he lives in another country. I don’t know that I will ever see him again, even though my Magic 8 Ball app says I will lol. A couple of weeks ago there was a hurricane pretty close to where M. lives. I was a basket case. We talked while he still had some juice in phone. It makes a difference when you know someone near such a potentially catastrophic situation. I know he knows how much I care about him.
I hadn’t texted him since Thanksgiving, when I sent him a sappy text. And Wednesday morning, as I was driving to work, thinking about him, he texted me. He had dreamed of me the night before. He woke up wanting to fly up here to be with me. Maybe only for a booty call, I don’t know. We talked for a while, I sent him a pic of us, which I had not done before. Then I sent him a pic of me now, because my face is much smaller. He thinks I look great. I told him I’d send him a full-length pic soon to show my progress. Then before bed, I texted him the usual heart lips heart that I had not been sending lately. He texted back about a half hour later with “love you too”. WHAT??!!?!?! I would have fallen down if I had not been in bed. But I don’t know if that was meant for me. I have mistakenly sent texts to the wrong person before. It could have happened to M. I was freaking out. I did not open the text until the next day, after lunch. I sp oke to V. about it over lunch. I was feeling anxiety, which I never really had before. Shaky, tight chest, adrenaline coursing through my veins. Was it meant for me? I still don’t know. I am such a wimp. I am so much of a wimp that I did not even address it. I just sent him a full length pic as promised and he really liked it. We have been talking since.
I just wish that I could be sure of something. Both J. and V. think that he meant to send that text to me. I would like to know for sure. Why can’t I think that he does? Isn’t that what I want? Or is it? Is it possible? Will I even ever see him again???